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Daddy’s Little Girl – Part 1

As a little girl I always thought of myself as a daddy’s girl.

The problem with that is Daddy was rarely there.  Most of my childhood memories he is not a part of and those that he is are mostly memories of me fighting for his love and attention. 

Now, I have no doubt that he loved me.  There are plenty of stories and photos to show that and after my parents divorced, when I was 18 months old, he did fight for full custody of me.  A custody battle I am told was quite nasty and long.  I am told my father even broke court orders and failed to return me to my mother at the specified time.  Arriving hours and hours later with police officers to hand me back.

He remarried when I was 3 or so years old to a lady with 2 boys of her own and she was due to deliver my sister any day now. (a second sister was born 2 years later)

I am told that it was when he met her that things changed and this has been proven by my memories over the years and is still shown to this day.  I have never been able to figure out if her issues were jealousy, control or she just didn’t like me but growing up she made her feelings very clear.

I would spend school holidays at there house growing up.  Well half at least.  I recall having to then go to my Grandma’s house (so much fun, I will have to tell you about it another time) or vacation care.  Why I was never allowed to stay the entire 2 week holidays I am unsure as my stepmother was home with her 4 kids.  When I was there we would do some fun stuff.  We would go camping, to the beach, fishing or just play around with the neighbourhood kids (there was a lot of us).

These times were great fun but when I think about time spent with just me and my daddy, well they are very hard to find.

Yes my dad did work full time and when I was younger 2 jobs and still had to when I was visiting but I just don’t recall that one on one time.  To me, it just felt like they were going through the motions only with an extra child in the car.  Playing with my brothers and sisters was usually fun and we were always doing something but I still felt left out and was often intentionally left out and picked on.  I wanted my daddy to tell them to stop and stick up for me.

He never did but I continued my fight to be Daddy’s little girl.

There was one school holidays I remember in particular. I must have been about 8.  My dad, step mum and all the kids had planned a great extended holiday travelling interstate, all the way up the coast and back.  They were visiting the theme parks and doing all the fun stuff you could imagine.   It all sounded so exciting and then my mum broke the news to me.

I wasn’t allowed to go.

The excuse (this was confirmed  to me), was as I had already been on a long oversea’s holiday with my mum and her kids hadn’t even been interstate.  I was absolutely crushed.  A dream holiday with my dad and my family and I couldn’t go.  Why was I being punished for my mum taking me overseas?  Especially a trip that wasn’t a dream holiday.  My grandfather had just passed away so my mum and I took my nan to the US to see my aunty and cousin to help my nan relax and take her mind of things and I WAS 6 years old when we went!!

Again my Dad couldn’t stick up for me but I still continued my fight to be Daddy’s little girl.

 

The Nightmare Begins ….

I cant recall the exact day of the week but I do know it was January and the kids were home on school holidays.  My partner and myself were pottering around, doing house work, planning the day etc … All the things we normally did of a morning when we were both home when there was a knock at the front door.  I continued to potter around in my bedroom while my husband went to answer the door.

I could here a man talking with my partner although I could not hear what was being said so I went out to the hallway to investigate who it was.  It was then I noticed it was actually 2 men and they were being quite rude and abrupt with my partner.  They eventually noticed I was standing there and the man talking asked ‘ who are you? ‘  Well as it was my house i replied with ‘who the hell are you?”  Even though I already had a good idea of who they were

It was at that time a badge was flashed at me and I was advised that they were detectives investigating a serious crime and they just wanted to ask a few questions.  Due to the fact I had no information on their investigation and their aggressive manner sending my anxiety into overdrive I told them I did not want to answer their questions at this time (between the shock and the anxiety my answers would have only been rambles that made no sense to anyone anyway) and to contact us another time if they still required to talk to us.  They advised they would definitely be needing to talk to us further as our names had come up in the investigation (how will be explained in a later chapter).  Still stumped as to why they had even come to us we wrapped up the conversation and closed the door.

My partner and I then went into our bedroom wondering what the hell was going on.  We knew of the incident as it had been in the media but us?? even more but me??

What did they want to talk to us about?

Thinking back over the conversation, were they implying we had something to do with the crime?  Were they saying we were suspects??

It would turn out that is exactly what they were saying …..

I Did It!! :):)

Generally I am a very private person, keeping all my issues and secrets to myself.

I have not even revealed my illness to most people I know.  I have been very selective in who I shared with in fear of judgement, abandonment and I also have deep rooted trust issues which stop me sharing even the most simple of secrets.

Well let me tell you that today that all changed

I took the leap

I shared my facebook page and blog on my own personal facebook!!!

This is something I never thought I would do especially as revealing my pages to others is also going to reveal some deep dark secrets that I only intended on sharing with strangers.  I never planned on revealing my identity EVER!!!

I would like to thank all the fellow sufferers and bloggers for helping me find the confidence to begin opening up about what I go through and have been through.  Helping me realise that Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of it should be embraced rather than hidden after all it is who I am.  I am truly blessed to have found you all.

And since I am revealing my identity in name, Here is a face to put with it 🙂

The last few days have been the hardest

The last few days have been the hardest I have had in quite some time.  I found myself stuck on the lounge for 4 days straight unable to move, unable to function and not wanting to communicate with anyone.  I even slept on the lounge as moving to the bedroom seemed just to big of a task.

At one point I found myself having to drive somewhere to drop of one of my witches.  The drive was too much.  The anxiety was in overdrive and it was at that point the tears just started.  It was then I knew just how bad everything was going as for the first time I broke down in front of my daughter’s boyfriend.  Something that although he lives with us, I have managed to keep from him until now.  We drove along in silence after that with only the sound of me sniffling and holding back tears.

As I drove back home alone all the feelings intensified.  They intensified to the point I pulled over and just tried to let it all out wondering why it is me that has to go through all this? Why is it me that has had to go through what I already have been? Why do I always have to suffer? A lot of my stresses are out of my control and I still have a long way to go in regards to a serious matter in my life, again all out of my control.  Knowing that it was then and there I made a decision ..

I decided I would drive home and take every seroquel that I had in the house, sleep my stresses away and hopefully wake up in the arms of my Nana in heaven.  I couldn’t see a way out, there was no other option.  I cant cope with the stresses of life and my children are constantly suffering, I am just a burden on people. Everyone is better off anyway and I will finally be at peace.

I continued home ready to put my plan in action, still a big ball of depressed anxiety.  Well wasn’t I upset when I got home only to find I could not carry out my plan.  I had missed my doctors appointment a couple of days before so I didn’t have a full script.  I only had 8 tablets.  This just sent me into a rage. I couldn’t even get that right. It was just another plan that had all fucked up.  I ended up taking 2 tablets and just prayed I would wake up in a better place. It was 2pm.   7 hours later I was woken up by 2 witches both now home and wanting things, telling me I had ruined their plans by sleeping bla bla bla.  They weren’t even meant to be home. They had both told me they were staying at friends. I took 2 more tablets and did my best to ignore them until I again fell asleep.

At 10am this morning I woke up and found that I actually had some energy, the worst was over.  I still wasn’t feeling great but better so I pottered around doing what needed doing the entire time thinking about what could have been had I had the tablets available. wondering if I would have woken up and the main thing …

I was grateful!!  Grateful I was still here, Grateful I didn’t rush out and seek other options,

Grateful to be alive and here to face another day.

Now I know I will go through these feelings again but for today I am happy my plan failed.  I can’t let other things win. I have come too far.

I just need to keep reminding myself that there will be better times and I will get through this!!

That empty feeling of loneliness.

That empty feeling of loneliness. The feeling of knowing you have absolutely no one
No one understands. No one ever will so forever I will be lonely
I am constantly surrounded by people, yet I always feel alone
I don’t want to be alone any more
I want to have friends, I want to have family
I want to be able to do fun things with them
But how, I can’t even leave the house. I can’t even keep a plan
I cant even keep a friend, I push them all away

Why must life be like this ?

Where Did I Come From? – Intro …

My family is complicated and completely dysfunctional.

I no longer talk to most of them and throughout the ‘Where Did I come From Series’ you will learn how and why I chose to cut them out and attempt to move on.

My parents were married in 1977 and I am told I was conceived on or around that date.  I was to be born in February 1978, a healthy, chubby baby girl who was a mix of both her parents.  At the age of 18 months my parents divorced.  I have got multiple reasons of why their marriage broke down when I have asked.  The reasoning is not important but what would happen because of this in later years is.

I am told by my father that my mother broke his heart however this is something I struggle to understand due to how fast he moved on.  He met who would become my step mother not long after this and at age 3 I attended their wedding.  My step mother was 8 months pregnant with my sister at this time.  My stepmother already had 2 sons from a previous marriage.  My father later adopted these boys and has always considered them his own.  There is also another younger sister from this marriage, So 2 older brothers then me and then my 2 younger sisters.  I would spend my school holidays in their house though my younger years but not so often as I reached my teenage years.  This marriage has stood the test of time and they are still together today (unfortunately)

I no longer associate with any part of ‘this’ family ….

I recall my mother having a boyfriend although I don’t really recall him to well.  This relationship ended and she would move on to who would be my first step father.  I believe I was about 4 when they married.  I remember being flower girl at their wedding.  My mother had been told she could not have more children however when I was 7 my little miracle sister was born.  We nearly lost her but she made it and is now a successful amazing young woman who I admire to be like.  When she was around 18 months my mother and step father separated with my step father taking my sister with him and joint custody arranged.  My 2^nd step father moved in very quickly after and although we have had our issues and the fact my mother and him are no longer together I still consider him my step dad and he is still a very active part of my life.  They were together for around 13 years I believe.  He has done everything for me and then some. Their separation was very hard on my mother and caused her to go into a depression which I believe she has never truly come out of.

My mother and I are super close to this day. Her and my baby sister are all I have, besides my daughters of course ….

In my teenage years there were a lot of issues between myself and my mother and stepfather which would see me kicked out of home shortly after my 16^th birthday.  I believe my mother wanted me home but me being a stubborn teen I refused (until a later time which I will share later in the series).  I stayed with my boyfriend, who I hadn’t known too long and at 17 I gave birth to our first daughter.  I should have run from him then but I stayed and went on to have a 2^nd daughter at age 19.  I finally left when our 2^nd daughter was 6 months old. We were together 5 years and this relationship would be the first of 2 abusive relationships I found my self in.  The 2^nd I will talk about at a later date.  It’s still quite raw and painful to discuss.

So now you have the basic rundown of where I come from stay tuned to see the relationships unfold ….

I don’t want to be asleep yet I

I don’t want to be asleep yet I don’t want to be awake.

Why?  Well I am told by others that they understand yet I fail to see when I can’t figure it out.

I could understand just wanting to be awake or just wanting to be asleep but both ….

My head spins

I want to rip my hair out

I want it to stop!