My guilty Decision …

Earlier in the week I was faced with a decision.

A decision that will not only effect myself it will change people’s lives, hopes and dreams for quite a few years to come.

Although I call it a decision really there was no other option, no choice but to make the decision that I did.

There was a small chance of success with one point and a large chance of success with the second part BUT with my health the way it is and the length of time it will take to continue a process that has already caused by mental health to a state of high concern, I was told that continuing will break me and maybe even kill me.  I was told I would not mentally cope with the lengthy process and to be honest I tend to agree.

I feel so guilty about my decision.  I have broken the hearts of my family, crushed some of their dreams  and set someone’s future in stone.  I know my family understands but it doesn’t stop their pain, their tears still flow and I can’t help but feel it is all my fault!!

Today I had to tell the person who’s life is most effected of my decision.  It was so painful and I could hear the disappointment and tears.  I couldn’t even tell them in person.

How do you hug someone and tell them how sorry you are over the phone?

It is all I wanted to do.

I wanted to show them it will all be ok.

I wanted them to see it in my eyes.

I don’t want them to think I have given up as that isn’t the case but I know deep down they may blame me.

The guilt I feel is over whelming.

They say it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t blame myself but they didn’t have to sign the paper that would in turn change the future …..

YOU AND ME

I found this yesterday and thought it said it well 🙂

If anyone know’s the author let me know as I would love to give them credit

……

YOU AND ME

If you’re overly excited, you’re happy
If I’m overly excited, I’m manic
If you imagine the phone ringing, you’re stressed out
If I imagine the phone ringing, I’m psychotic
If you’re crying and sleeping all day, you’re sad and need time out
If I’m crying and sleeping all day, I’m depressed and need to get up
If you’re afraid to leave your house at night, you’re cautious
If I’m afraid to leave my house at night, I’m paranoid
If you speak your mind and express your opinions, you’re assertive
If I speak my mind and express my opinions, I’m aggressive
If you don’t like something and mention it, you’re being honest
If I don’t like something and mention it, I’m being difficult
If you get angry, you’re considered upset
If I get angry, I’m considered dangerous
If you over-react to something, you’re sensitive
If I over-react to something, I’m out of control
If you don’t want to be around others,you’re taking care of yourself and relaxing
If I don’t want to be around others, I’m isolating myself and avoiding
If you talk to strangers, you’re being friendly
If I talk to strangers, I’m being inappropriate
For all of the above you’re not told to take
A pill or are hospitalized, but I am

The Decision

As I sit here on my bed looking at a almost empty bowl of marijuana, I am thinking about if I really need it and why I really smoke it.   Yes, it has got me through some dark days and at times been my only support and friend but I think it is really time to say goodbye.  Our relationship has almost got to the point of obsession and finally I am seeing just how unhealthy and selfish that is.

So with that being said, I have made a decision!

Tonight is the night I say goodbye to my trusty friend.  I’m getting anxiety at the thought of the final goodbye but at this point I know it must be done.  Not just for myself but also for those around me.  I have tried saying goodbye many times before but for some reason even if I really didn’t want to at the time, I always let my best friend back in my life.

Well not this time!

I am determined to do this.  There are just too many benefits that will come from this.  I can see them, I want them and I will have them.  This is the first step to some big positive changes in my life.  Too positive to let pass by.

To help me along the way I am planning to document the journey a little and share the ups and downs in hope it will keep me on track and also show others who self medicate with marijuana the long term benefits of stopping.

Stay tuned tomorrow for my break down of Day 1 without my best friend ……

The last few days have been the hardest

The last few days have been the hardest I have had in quite some time.  I found myself stuck on the lounge for 4 days straight unable to move, unable to function and not wanting to communicate with anyone.  I even slept on the lounge as moving to the bedroom seemed just to big of a task.

At one point I found myself having to drive somewhere to drop of one of my witches.  The drive was too much.  The anxiety was in overdrive and it was at that point the tears just started.  It was then I knew just how bad everything was going as for the first time I broke down in front of my daughter’s boyfriend.  Something that although he lives with us, I have managed to keep from him until now.  We drove along in silence after that with only the sound of me sniffling and holding back tears.

As I drove back home alone all the feelings intensified.  They intensified to the point I pulled over and just tried to let it all out wondering why it is me that has to go through all this? Why is it me that has had to go through what I already have been? Why do I always have to suffer? A lot of my stresses are out of my control and I still have a long way to go in regards to a serious matter in my life, again all out of my control.  Knowing that it was then and there I made a decision ..

I decided I would drive home and take every seroquel that I had in the house, sleep my stresses away and hopefully wake up in the arms of my Nana in heaven.  I couldn’t see a way out, there was no other option.  I cant cope with the stresses of life and my children are constantly suffering, I am just a burden on people. Everyone is better off anyway and I will finally be at peace.

I continued home ready to put my plan in action, still a big ball of depressed anxiety.  Well wasn’t I upset when I got home only to find I could not carry out my plan.  I had missed my doctors appointment a couple of days before so I didn’t have a full script.  I only had 8 tablets.  This just sent me into a rage. I couldn’t even get that right. It was just another plan that had all fucked up.  I ended up taking 2 tablets and just prayed I would wake up in a better place. It was 2pm.   7 hours later I was woken up by 2 witches both now home and wanting things, telling me I had ruined their plans by sleeping bla bla bla.  They weren’t even meant to be home. They had both told me they were staying at friends. I took 2 more tablets and did my best to ignore them until I again fell asleep.

At 10am this morning I woke up and found that I actually had some energy, the worst was over.  I still wasn’t feeling great but better so I pottered around doing what needed doing the entire time thinking about what could have been had I had the tablets available. wondering if I would have woken up and the main thing …

I was grateful!!  Grateful I was still here, Grateful I didn’t rush out and seek other options,

Grateful to be alive and here to face another day.

Now I know I will go through these feelings again but for today I am happy my plan failed.  I can’t let other things win. I have come too far.

I just need to keep reminding myself that there will be better times and I will get through this!!

I don’t want to be asleep yet I

I don’t want to be asleep yet I don’t want to be awake.

Why?  Well I am told by others that they understand yet I fail to see when I can’t figure it out.

I could understand just wanting to be awake or just wanting to be asleep but both ….

My head spins

I want to rip my hair out

I want it to stop!

Sleep Deprived Sunday

Last night I made a plan. I decided I was going to stay up late today to ensure a lovely sleep in on a cold wet Sunday morning.  Making a plan should have told me straight away it wasn’t going to work but as usual I went along with my plan oblivious to the fact that I know plans NEVER work for me. I delayed taking my nightly dose of seroquel and was eventually curled up in bed sometime after 1.30am.

This plan completely failed when I heard a knock at the door.  I did my best to ignore it but as my bedroom is at the front door it was to difficult and I got up and answered.  There I find 2 teenage boys asking for my daughter’s boyfriend.  I look at the clock and its 9am!

Even if I was awake I still have issues with this

1, Its 9 am on a fucking Sunday morning

2. You aren’t even asking for someone who lives here. You are asking for a guest. Call him!!

Anyway I let them in and went straight back to bed.  As soon as I start to doze back off my daughter AKA Witch 2, who slept in my bed with me last night decides to get up which wakes me up again.  I have a brief good morning chat and off she goes.  I think great and spread across the bed and finally start falling asleep again.  Do you think that lasted?

NO, Witch 2 decided it was OK to come in and out of my room, potter around, look for things, let the dog in and out and talk to me even though my eyes were clearly closed!!  Then I hear the boys leave and they both decide to scream out bye right at my window and then that was it everyone was up. I was awake!!

Being that I seemed to have no choice but to be awake I decided I would just make a coffee and go back in my room with the lap top and relax a little.  Making coffee, I open the fridge and no milk.  No Fucking Milk!!  Now everyone knows that they have to at least leave enough milk for my morning coffee or there will be trouble.  I had my tantrum and stomped off to my room. Someone was going to get milk and it wasn’t going to be me.

I tell Witch 2 she has to go and after her tantrum I wait for her to get ready. She takes so long and all I want is her to leave so I can go back to sleep.  Finally she leaves and I go back and lay down. The house is now quiet again as Witch 1 and her boyfriend went for the walk too. My plan is to go back to sleep and wake up whenever knowing if they see I am really asleep they will leave me alone for a little while.

Again, that didn’t happen. They didn’t take a key to get back in and rather than go around to the back door which is wide open they decide to knock on the door!!  I am so pissed off at this point but i get up let them in, make my coffee and go back to my room.

Now Witch 1 and her boyfriend have gone out for the day and Witch 2 has decided its chill in mum’s bed day and even though I keep telling her I want to sleep she still sits here playing on her iPod and harassing me and the dog.

The lack of sleep is playing havoc with my mood.  I want to slap someone.

Really Hard. With a closed fist!!

When I am not wanting to hurt someone I am crying and sooking at something.

So here I sit just wanting everyone to fuck off and let me sleep but do you think that’s going to happen?

My Guess would be NO!!!!

OMG now my phone is going off.  I’m not answering!!