Daddy’s Little Girl – Part 1

As a little girl I always thought of myself as a daddy’s girl.

The problem with that is Daddy was rarely there.  Most of my childhood memories he is not a part of and those that he is are mostly memories of me fighting for his love and attention. 

Now, I have no doubt that he loved me.  There are plenty of stories and photos to show that and after my parents divorced, when I was 18 months old, he did fight for full custody of me.  A custody battle I am told was quite nasty and long.  I am told my father even broke court orders and failed to return me to my mother at the specified time.  Arriving hours and hours later with police officers to hand me back.

He remarried when I was 3 or so years old to a lady with 2 boys of her own and she was due to deliver my sister any day now. (a second sister was born 2 years later)

I am told that it was when he met her that things changed and this has been proven by my memories over the years and is still shown to this day.  I have never been able to figure out if her issues were jealousy, control or she just didn’t like me but growing up she made her feelings very clear.

I would spend school holidays at there house growing up.  Well half at least.  I recall having to then go to my Grandma’s house (so much fun, I will have to tell you about it another time) or vacation care.  Why I was never allowed to stay the entire 2 week holidays I am unsure as my stepmother was home with her 4 kids.  When I was there we would do some fun stuff.  We would go camping, to the beach, fishing or just play around with the neighbourhood kids (there was a lot of us).

These times were great fun but when I think about time spent with just me and my daddy, well they are very hard to find.

Yes my dad did work full time and when I was younger 2 jobs and still had to when I was visiting but I just don’t recall that one on one time.  To me, it just felt like they were going through the motions only with an extra child in the car.  Playing with my brothers and sisters was usually fun and we were always doing something but I still felt left out and was often intentionally left out and picked on.  I wanted my daddy to tell them to stop and stick up for me.

He never did but I continued my fight to be Daddy’s little girl.

There was one school holidays I remember in particular. I must have been about 8.  My dad, step mum and all the kids had planned a great extended holiday travelling interstate, all the way up the coast and back.  They were visiting the theme parks and doing all the fun stuff you could imagine.   It all sounded so exciting and then my mum broke the news to me.

I wasn’t allowed to go.

The excuse (this was confirmed  to me), was as I had already been on a long oversea’s holiday with my mum and her kids hadn’t even been interstate.  I was absolutely crushed.  A dream holiday with my dad and my family and I couldn’t go.  Why was I being punished for my mum taking me overseas?  Especially a trip that wasn’t a dream holiday.  My grandfather had just passed away so my mum and I took my nan to the US to see my aunty and cousin to help my nan relax and take her mind of things and I WAS 6 years old when we went!!

Again my Dad couldn’t stick up for me but I still continued my fight to be Daddy’s little girl.

 

Where Did I Come From? – Intro …

My family is complicated and completely dysfunctional.

I no longer talk to most of them and throughout the ‘Where Did I come From Series’ you will learn how and why I chose to cut them out and attempt to move on.

My parents were married in 1977 and I am told I was conceived on or around that date.  I was to be born in February 1978, a healthy, chubby baby girl who was a mix of both her parents.  At the age of 18 months my parents divorced.  I have got multiple reasons of why their marriage broke down when I have asked.  The reasoning is not important but what would happen because of this in later years is.

I am told by my father that my mother broke his heart however this is something I struggle to understand due to how fast he moved on.  He met who would become my step mother not long after this and at age 3 I attended their wedding.  My step mother was 8 months pregnant with my sister at this time.  My stepmother already had 2 sons from a previous marriage.  My father later adopted these boys and has always considered them his own.  There is also another younger sister from this marriage, So 2 older brothers then me and then my 2 younger sisters.  I would spend my school holidays in their house though my younger years but not so often as I reached my teenage years.  This marriage has stood the test of time and they are still together today (unfortunately)

I no longer associate with any part of ‘this’ family ….

I recall my mother having a boyfriend although I don’t really recall him to well.  This relationship ended and she would move on to who would be my first step father.  I believe I was about 4 when they married.  I remember being flower girl at their wedding.  My mother had been told she could not have more children however when I was 7 my little miracle sister was born.  We nearly lost her but she made it and is now a successful amazing young woman who I admire to be like.  When she was around 18 months my mother and step father separated with my step father taking my sister with him and joint custody arranged.  My 2^nd step father moved in very quickly after and although we have had our issues and the fact my mother and him are no longer together I still consider him my step dad and he is still a very active part of my life.  They were together for around 13 years I believe.  He has done everything for me and then some. Their separation was very hard on my mother and caused her to go into a depression which I believe she has never truly come out of.

My mother and I are super close to this day. Her and my baby sister are all I have, besides my daughters of course ….

In my teenage years there were a lot of issues between myself and my mother and stepfather which would see me kicked out of home shortly after my 16^th birthday.  I believe my mother wanted me home but me being a stubborn teen I refused (until a later time which I will share later in the series).  I stayed with my boyfriend, who I hadn’t known too long and at 17 I gave birth to our first daughter.  I should have run from him then but I stayed and went on to have a 2^nd daughter at age 19.  I finally left when our 2^nd daughter was 6 months old. We were together 5 years and this relationship would be the first of 2 abusive relationships I found my self in.  The 2^nd I will talk about at a later date.  It’s still quite raw and painful to discuss.

So now you have the basic rundown of where I come from stay tuned to see the relationships unfold ….

A Bit about Me

The last 10 years, where I was, What I went through and where I am now.

Well all I can say is what a journey it has been. I’m lucky to even be here in many people’s opinions but I am, I got to today. My journey is far from over and there is plenty of hard times ahead but the point is I am here to face them.

To give you a brief outline in the past 10 plus years I have had to deal with things such as domestic violence, sexual abuse of my children, a divorce, mental illness, an arrest,  jail time, a criminal trial (not related to sexual abuse of children), loss of job, homelessness,  a long term separation, relationship breakdowns and the list continues. There has been a lot of happy times amongst it too but I am afraid they are a lot less than the better.

Some of these battles are far from over however I will share my journey with you as its allowed.

Parts of my journey are extremely hard to talk about  however I aim to share with you as much as I can not only to share my story but in the hope I may be able to help at least 1 person. I have recently learnt that I am not alone in my situation, I am just in a lonely situation.

That is something I hope to change not just for me but for everyone.